chocolatepimp

hrm...

2004-11-28T16:29:17Z

You know... yeah. You wonder if your past ever impacts your life or will ever truly come back to haunt you. It is funny, because it always does. I was talking to a friend and we had a discussion about cheating. She told me if you cheat, the best means of hiding it is in the truth. Now I thought about that concept. In all honesty, it is true. How many people have done something in a relationship and told their significant other the truth and they believed you were playing? It happens quite frequently. I've done it in the past. It is an interesting phenomenon that the mind thinks in such a manner.

I'm too suspicious to have that occur to me. Even when it is happening, I may go along with it, but it doesn't mean I don't know what's going on. I've put up with a lot and I knew the truth behind many things done. Of course people always think they can get over on others, but if you played the game well, you can often identify things before or while they happen.

Here is another thing I was recently told. "It isn't cheating if you tell your significant other. It is not your fault that they didn't believe you." I had to laugh at this one. I just want other's opinions on this one.

I'll end there for today.

........

2004-11-21T06:01:02Z

If you are reading this, you know I don't write all the time, but only when I have something on my mind. Well, I do. Ever have one of those days where you sleep at night and still wake up exhausted, frustrated, or in need of a vacation. Well, I woke up like that. So, I decided to just go back to sleep. I slept most of the day and I am still exhausted, frustrated, and in need of a vacation. Of course you let everyone know how you feel ahead of time. Even the person closest to you, but I still seems that that said person acts out their ass when other people are around. Something is going to have to change or well, if you ever got on my bad side, you know what I am referring to. Unless someone really does not care, then they should run their mouth. I'm pissed off, and I dare someone to cross me again. You know what, I don't think I'm going to hold my tongue anymore. If you don't like what I will say to you, don't piss me off. That's the bottom line. No one is excluded........

Black Solidarity Day and other things

2004-11-01T16:01:53Z

This is the time of the year when Black People should actually put aside their differences. Stop being fools for once and unite to make a difference. As I black male, I have witnessed those of my race complain about everything and do nothing about it. They will complain about not being able to do certain things, but then would do absolutely nothing to change it. Is this the right attitude to have? I do not believe so. Will blacks actually change? Hopefully one day.

I look at this day that falls every year. For once, I am hoping black people can unite, even if it is for one day, where they are not fighting one another or trying to pollute their communities with drugs and weapons. I hope this day we all will do something more constructive like decide what will our futures hold. Where would we be when we decide who our next President will be? Or what would happen if I we keep the current Mayor or Governor? Things like that. They are constructive and nonviolent. It is a look towards the future and hopes of a better one for us all.

These are just ideas. I know there is no detail, but what can I say.

Moving on to other things. I am playing Feudal Realms. Basically, it is a text based game, similar to Dungeons and Dragons you could say. I talk to many people that play the game. In all honesty, the game is not what it used to be. I remember always wanting to play it, but it seems the more I play it now, the less I actually wish to play. I've been playing it for four or five years. I'm not even sure anymore. All I know is there is more of a push from fantasy to realism in the game now, and it is quite irritating to say the least. Then there is also a push to more role playing. The thing about role playing is most people want things to always go their way, and it doesn't work like that.

I have sit there and listened to houseleaders quit and the like. I actually have liked most of the houseleaders in the game, but I have always disliked the one who now plays Vyctor. Why do you ask? To me, he is an idiot. Always has to get things his way and if they don't go his way, he will ruin the whole situation for everyone else. For those in his house, I don't doubt he is a good houseleader. On the other hand, for most, he is such a fool. I will give details why I think so to certain people, but I don't feel like typing it. Anyway, that is enough for one day.

Just one of those days.....

2004-09-27T01:12:39Z

It just happens to be one of those days. You think everything is working for you, or try to imagine things being that way. Suddenly you are hit with someone you love being unhappy. Your first thought is that you are the cause. I did not know what to do. Then you hear the sound of crying and you feel helpless. The person finally gets over it, but you cannot. You continue to feel down all day as if you were the true cause. Deep down, you still feel as if you are the cause. You put up a front in order to keep the person's spirits up, but there is only so long you can keep it up. You walk around a lot. Look for every opportunity to avoid eye to eye contact. Really sucks to be honest. Well, if you know me, you all know who I am talking about.

I shouldn't continue thinking like this, but how am I supposed to react to situations? If I didn't care, then I doubt I would ever blame myself. The thing is that I do care so it affects me greatly. No one ever really knows when something is truly bothering me. When I look "sad" most of the time I am just exhausted, while when I laugh a lot or smile, something is more than likely bothering.

I think I will end it there. I don't feel like typing anymore.

chocolatepimp @ 2004-09-18T01:41:00

2004-09-18T05:43:38Z

I cannot do this anymore. Maybe I outgrew living under someone else's roof. Maybe I just need to get out on my own on some serious tip. I can't stand coming home. I should have just gone to some girl's campus. At least that way I wouldn't be right this now and feeling so annoyed.....

...

2004-09-16T14:49:21Z

I am home now. At least for the Jewish holiday. Thank you, Jews for having such a fucked up calendar that I can get so many days off. Anyway, you can tell from the opening tone that I am not the happiest person today. I honestly did not want to come home. If I could, I would have either went to Long Island or stayed with a friend near school. I dislike coming home, except for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Lately, it seems I have more trouble coping with the idea of being separated from my girlfriend. Maybe I am just getting soft. That could be it. I never had the urge to always be around someone or to get upset when she is with someone else. I know it is common for me to think when someone is not with me, she is out doing something with another guy. In actuality, that never bothered me. Yes, it is disturbing to me too. Now, that same thought infuriates me beyond belief. It makes me want to be possessive, but I cannot make someone else's life a living hell because of my insecurities.

Anyway, I will keep the news updated.

Crazy

2004-06-22T06:48:46Z

Oh my goodness. This must be terrible. I've yet to get more than 4 hours of sleep at night and now I'm trying to stay awake for 36 hours. I think I am going to crash before I hit that mark, but I will try!

On yeah. I'm talking to Bisi(wify) and Ines online. They are interesting to talk to. Finding out a lot about people. Then again, I am half a sleep so maybe it is already knowledge to me and I just don't know. :)

Work should be fun later on today. About five hours before work. Then spending 8 hours there. THEN spending another hour on the train to come back home. This should definately be an interesting day!

Okay, back to talking to Bisi and Ines.

Of course it is now hours later. I've been up for 28 hours. I am on the verge of collapsing. I'm on basically 4 hours of sleep in 52 hours. I don't know if that is a good or bad thing. All I do know is I am beginning to hear voices and see things that are not truly there. I think I should get sleep soon, but I have to stay up at least 9 more hours in order to get back home. I should have taken the day off because this is killing me. I'll update this once more if I am awake later.

Tired

2004-06-16T22:37:59Z

I forgot this journal existed for a moment. Well, I am pleased to say that this internship I have is both exciting and boring. It seems as if all interns have to do the crap no one else wants to. On the other hand, I get into all the projects they are doing. Hell, I am currently taking part in installing an air conditioning unit. Sorry people, this isn't the ones used in homes or in some offices. It is similar to the ones used for central heating. So, basically there will be demolition, rerouting wires and pipes. It is great!

Moving on. My relationship is going bad. :-( I say this because I don't see her enough. You can't go from seeing someone EVERYDAY and every minute when you aren't sleeping or in class, to maybe once or twice a week, if that much. So it is making me a bit sad. Well, that's life.

Oh yeah. I have terrible influences around me. I have a friend that..... okay, I don't think I should write about that. The end result is that I am being told that this is the worst summer to ever be in a relationship, but I am happy so I guess it doesn't matter what he thinks.

So now, I sit here wearily. I need sleep. I can never go to sleep at night. It is bothersome... Oh well.

Lalala

2004-05-31T23:46:18Z

I sit here and wonder. I took a drug test, but I never used drugs except Tylenol, Advil, Nyquil, that type of thing. But it is going on two weeks and me obtaining this internship is dependent on this drug test. Could they be trying to plant shit so I fail the drug test? The most I have ever done was drink alcohol. Hell, I can't really do that anymore because I get sick at the smell of it now. :( Is this the wrong manner of thinking? I mean, many people told me this is a "white" business. In order to make something of yourself, you have to "be white." I don't mean to be racist to any extent, but there are indeed many places I go dressed better than most white people and get followed, so I try the opposite and still get followed. It makes no sense. Why this society have to do me like that? Is it because of the color of my skin? Everyone has their opinions. I have my own. I am not racist by any extent. I hate everyone equally. :-D But seriously, I like everyone unless you do me dirty. I put up with people, until they annoy me to the extent that I am constantly complaining. Why do people complain about an event if they consider themselves over it? Why do people never see their own faults and think because they are the only ones feeling bad, that they must be the victim? Why can't it ever be that the other person was the victim and is now relieved it is all over? Why must I struggle to obtain money so I can buy things? Things I need, things I want? I want sweat pants. Why is it so hard to obtain that? I want jerseys. Why is it so hard to obtain that? No money? Exactly.......

No more kids.

2004-05-31T04:59:52Z

It happened... I had to watch three brats for 7 hours. Is this fair, especially since these **** kids can't behave? Is it fair that I did not get paid for this ****? Next time these people are taking their children to a **** babysitter. I am not dealing with this ever again. This has been beyond frustrating. I can't deal with this shit. At least if I was receiving money for this, I could understand, but being put through this **** for free is just damn well ridiculous. Once again, I will NEVER do this again. What a waste of time and energy.

Truth

2004-05-30T15:47:22Z

I sit back and wonder, but before that, I will discuss my recent events. I played on this mud called Feudal Realms for roughly four or five years now. The problem with that is the player base just gets more immature by the year. It bothers me to the point I had to quit. I feel bad for doing so, but I cannot take it any longer. Since I quit, I've been less frustrated. Everyone who I talked to mostly continues to talk to me, such as Chris, Joe, Ines, Rich, Mickey, and Rob in particular. Charles even still talks to me. I continue to help when I can, but I guess you can call this an extended vacation from Feudal Realms.

(This paragraph added at 6:38pm)The more I wish to help Feudal Realms, the more I get fed up with it. I guess it is definately time to keep away from everyone on that damn game. I love the game, but as of right now, I hate the majority of people. Yeah forget trying to help with ideas and things like that.

Moving on to life. I have this girlfriend. She's currently the best thing that has happened in my life. (Stuff taken out.) This one seems different though. It is hard to explain, especially since I can never seem to get enough of her. I am always thinking about her and for once, I am experiencing a relationship that is not based on sex. Does this actually mean I genuwinely love her? Am I in love with her? I would have to say yes. Caroline basically completes me. I spent four months around her, literally spending every moment of my spare time with her and still have yet to become annoyed or angry with her. I am told it is because it is a new relationship, but in actuality, I get annoyed easily and have gotten annoyed with everyone I messed with or dated my whole life. I do love her. Hell, I am upset because she's not with me right now. I guess I will just do a few things and just hope to see her soon.

-Von

Depression

2004-05-26T01:19:52Z

I woke up in the morning and thought it would be a great day. I mean, yesterday felt bad because it was my birthday and my grandmother seemed to have forgotten about me, but yet she calls today and asks me to do something, but that's another story altogether. The first thing that goes wrong is I can't see my girlfriend. Great, the day swiftly took a wrong turn. I moved along through the day and was stuck with an annoying little kid to babysit and I wasn't getting paid for it. BIG WHOOP! Can you see my day is going great? I come on this game called Feudal Realms to vent and release some of todays stress. I basically turn off most of the channels on the game so I don't have to deal with many people. I can just sit back and relax, maybe even actually role play for once. That doesn't even go right. I get hounded with a person trying to talk to me. About what, I was not sure of at the moment. I finally open a channel so she can talk to me and it seems as if she wants to be the center of my attention, like I did something wrong for wanting to use a game to relax. So I exit the game and go do something else. While just hanging around the house, my grandmother called (Yup, we are going back to the beginning). She wants me to mow her lawn. How the hell are you going to ask me to do that when you didn't even wish me a damn happy birthday? I still told her I would do it because I still love her, but that made my day even worse. I currently do not know what do to anymore. Every outlet seems to be blocked off. Hopefully tomorrow is better. I just hope it is. I cannot take another day like this. I was promised a day with the girlfriend. If that goes through, it will erase all the frustration of today.